The more we get involved in technology nowadays the more it feels we’re getting better at communicating and the more it seems we are in contact with people and information. However, the fact that our lives have been almost entirely online, our entertainment has been reduced to what’s available inside our house and our contact with people to only the immediate family we live with, our communication skills have suffered immensely, although most of us barely realize it.
But miscommunication has been a part of our lives since the dawn of times, whether the one of a customer misreading a company’s policy, a colleague misinterpreting a task, or a couple misunderstanding who was supposed to pick up the kid.
For most of us the logic would have been that, by now, miscommunication would have dropped with the advance of technology. Alas, this hasn’t been the case. We are more connected than ever, yet getting further astray from mutual understanding. The first step for improvement is always learning where things are going wrong.
Competitive conversation forms
Many of our conversations become counterproductive once each side seems to be simply seeking status, or in other words, it doesn’t matter what you are saying or your opinion, the other person is just waiting to win.
The stronger story. In this situation one person tells a story and instead of simply appreciating it, the listener only tries to top it. If the original storyteller returns the favor, such dialogues can quickly spin out of control to increasingly improbable storylines or even arguments.
Waiting to make your point. Instead of listening fully to what the other person is saying, you’re just thinking about how you can jump in to make your own point.
Victory for the point of view. Most discussions develop into this one. Instead of discussing to learn something new, people discuss with the sole purpose of claiming victory of the other person’s point of view.
The downside of conversational forms like these ones is that they prevent us from getting closer to understanding . If your ego is invested in your argument, you’re not able to change your mind without losing your face. And this only proof of how we are rapidly losing our listening skills.
Our apps have thrown us in a constant state of distraction; our headphones lock us in a private bubble. Plenty of today's miscommunication can be blamed on the receiver's inability to focus. If you want to sharpen your listening skills, you should start listening just for the sake of understanding the other person, without forcing this conversation into a competition of who’s right.
Similarly, oftentimes miscommunication can be blamed on poor speaking skills. Some people express themselves so incoherently that they're near impossible to follow.
One powerful communication tip is to speak with structure – for example by using a what - so what - now what approach. Start talking about the what. Then about why it's relevant. Then what the next steps should be.
Other causes for miscommunication can be verbal vs written forms, implicit vs explicit communication and even the context in which people are coming from. Imagine you are a stay at home mom and you have to read governmental papers, which are made impossible to read, on purpose, so that people need to hire lawyers to decode them. Nothing wrong with technical language, if you are a part of the same circle, but once you’re outside, you’ll have to adjust.
The negativity bias The is also a major cause of miscommunication as well. With multiple possible interpretations, we orient towards the negative. Your boyfriend's "seen" your last message but hasn't replied yet? Probably he's too busy cheating on you.
The negativity bias is especially pervasive in written channels because the receiver has to do the implicit interpretation. Whether it’s a relationship or work conversation, one of the best tips to avoid this type of misunderstanding is to always assume miscommunication over malice.
When you're the sender, keep the negativity bias in mind and include a positive emoji in messages that could be interpreted the wrong way.
Mental models We talked about causes of miscommunication that are about an actual misinterpretation of the explicit/implicit meaning of the message. But a larger type of miscommunication exists – one in which people are actually talking about the same things, but differ on what these things mean. Such misunderstandings derive from differing mental models.
It'd be nice if we'd all see the world the same way. But we don't. Our brain has the capacity to delete, misconstrue and misinterpret according to filters–biases, triggers, assumptions, beliefs, habits and mental models. So if we assume that the other person might not think the same way we do, or have the same mental models, we can start a line of conversation that is clear and explicit.
Nonetheless, we shouldn’t just focus on the negative, but try to think of solutions of “how to get closer to truth and understanding”.
It’s difficult to have a fruitful discussion. One that changes minds, instead of hardening them. The different mental models and negativity bias might be the most difficult causes of misunderstanding to be changed, because, again, we have to get to a conclusion of what was said and our brain immediately jumps into assumptions which only ensures an ever-growing distance between people
The fixes to differing mental models are less straightforward, but here is a start:
Awareness. When you encounter someone with strongly differing opinions than you, try to objectively uncover the areas in which your mental models differ, and where they overlap.
Frame it as a cooperation. Most discussions spin towards the question of who is right , instead of what's the truth . Reframe the discussion as a mutually benefitting clash of minds that will get both of you closer to the truth.
Steel-manning. This communication technique is the opposite of straw-manning , the practice of summarizing the argument of your opponent in a way that makes it look worse. With steel-manning you summarize the other person's argument as favorable as possible – perhaps more favorable than your conversation partner did.
Expand your mental models. To consciously expand the number of mental models – from accounting, architecture, biology, economics, to philosophy, physics and more, will allow you to reason about issues from multiple angles.
We can dedicate some time to study different paradigms, to become more like Swiss army knives, instead of having this shallow knowledge about everything that only comes from hearsay or fake sources - leave your intellectual comfort zone. It doesn't feel nice to encounter information that clashes with your worldview. Feel the urge to reject this cognitive dissonance, accept the discomfort and move forward.
Be aware of common logical fallacies. Everyone falls for them, all the time. If you care about getting closer to the truth, study common logical fallacies that often manifest in discussions – like the "false cause," "appeal to emotion" and "tu quoque."
Stop identifying with your ideas. We're inclined to see our ideas as an extension of ourselves. If our ideas are criticized, we defend them with passion. This makes it hard to let go, hard to learn. Detach yourself from your ideas.
Not taking ideas personally is made easier by the meta-belief that holding certain beliefs does not make you a better person.
And last but not least - Give people time. Even if you don't identify with your ideas anymore, others will. So don't expect to change their minds in a day. Allow time for ideas to settle in and for people to discover the logic in an argument
Комментарии